Be in control of your discipline

Almost all parents agree on the need to discipline their children.  However,  discipline that is given wrongly may end up not achieving the desired results. One important tip I usually give parents is to avoid meting out discipline to their children in anger. Yes I know how trying they can be at times. But believe me, in the end,  angry discipline doesn't do either of you any good. Be calm when giving discipline to your child even if he's throwing tantrums or acting up. This sends a signal to the child that you are in control and not him and ultimately gains you respect. It also helps the child to recognise you as the authority in the home. This works well for little children as well as older children. 

The traauma of separation and divorce

The trauma experienced by couples affected by separation or divorce can best be imagined. No one should ever have to go through it. Not only is it damaging to the victim it is also embarassing, diminishes the self esteem and certainly makes one to lose trust in love and relationship.

But bad as all these may be, believe me, the worst hit are the children.

The children inevitably lose the security of a loving and stable home that they so desperately need to form their identity and values.

That is why Children from broken  homes usually have self esteem problems.

These are some of the effects of a broken home on a child:
-low self esteem
-fear of everything (the dark, failure, success, love or emotion, and many more. )
-inability to pursue projects to its logical conclusion
-timidity
-rebellion
-aggression
-bullying (either as an aggressor or a victim)
-lack of initiative and creativity
-inability to reach their full potential due to fear of failure
-tendency to procastinate
-tendency to fall into wrong relationship and marriage
-irrational anger etc

Depending on the circumstances, a child will exhibit some or all of these symptoms.

For me this has made me to review marriage and childbearing not only as a culmination of love but as a call to service and responsibility.

Is bullying a crime?

I've tried to work it out on my own but all my efforts seem not to be working.

Why does my son of twelve years bully his six year old sister. Sure, he may have been jealous of her for a while.  After all he was the last born for over five years before I gave birth to his sister. But I thought that he should have got over his jealousy by now.

My husband and I tried to be good parents to our three children, giving all our love and doing our best to be role models. But sometimes I wonder if there is something we missed. 

Why does my son bully his sister? Is it normal? Should I be worried?

My Modelling Career

When my children were young, I had no idea what to do or say to them as a good parent. But I was sure of one thing, I wanted them to turn out to be kind, generous, tolerant, courteous, loving and with all the best characters that would make them outstanding. Of course. I didn't want them to be mean, liars, thieves, bullies or grow up with negative characters that would make them grow up to be undesirable human beings.

As I stumbled over my parenting trial and error tactics, I sometimes felt that I was not doing it right. Many times I did what I thought was right for them not really sure whether they will work or not.

But as they began to grow up into teenagers, I have found out that many of those things that I did actually worked.

And more amazing was the fact that in trying to make my children turn out right I became a better person.

I became more patient, kinder, less judgmental, and more courteous. After all it's hard to teach your kids to be courteous to others when you yourself are not.

So thanks to my kids, I have a modelling career. I'm trying to be a role model to my children!.

Great summer camp for your kids

Hi,

I just found out about this great summer camp for teens. It's tagged: 'Mobile Games & Electronic Circuit Design Summer Camp
for Teens'.

They teach teens how to design games for apps and some other electronic stuff.

Check out their website at www.center4tech.com.

By the way, I'm not affiliated to them in any way, neither am I given commission.  I just thought it a good information that might interest parents looking for how to engage their teens this holiday.

fatou
fatoung2010@yahoo.com

Sexual Child Abuse

The real statistics of children that are sexually abused can never be known. This is because so many children that are involved never come out to say.

But an estimated guess is that 8 out of 10 female children are victims or have been near victims of child rape.
This is an alarming rate by any standard but who is going to make sure it stops.
The onus to protect our children therefore lies on us as parents and legal guardians of our children.

Although there is no foolproof method of completely stopping child abuse since most times, the person the child already has a closeness to ends up being the culprit, we can however put some precautions in place to make sure that our children's vulnerability to this menace is reduced to the barest minimum.

These are a few tips that will put you on the right path.

1. Educate your child:   Don't tell your child that there are bad people who can try to do bad things to her.Tell her that there are good behaviours and bad behaviours and no matter how close a person is to her or no matter how much she loves him, if the person crosses the line into those bad behaviours, he should be stopped immediately. Of course you also have to let her know what those bad behaviours are. For example, touching her on the thigh or caressing her arm or arranging to have a secret meeting are all unacceptable behaviours.

2. Give Room For Easy Communication:  Your child must be given room to easily communicate with you her parents. Build a relationship that makes it easy for your child to talk to you. Most times children are afraid to talk to their parents about these types of things because they think their parents might blame them.
Many times, child rape doesn't just happen. The accused would usually have been building up to it by maybe buying things for the child, caressing the child or trying to get close to the child in other ways. But these children, because they don't have who to tell, would keep it to themselves until the day when they would finally be raped.
If the communication lines between you and your child is open, he or she will tend to tell you things from which you can pick out tell tale signs of trouble. Sometimes the child him or herself might not even know that it means anything, but you as an adult will be able to smell trouble and nip it in the bud.

3. Make your Child Feel Valuable: In many cases, as earlier said, children are raped by someone they are familiar with. The aggressor uses a systematic and calculated psychological method to get the child to believe that they have something special together, which eventually makes it easier to attack. This is done verbally by making the child feel she is special, buying gifts, and getting the child to do or get away with things the parents would normally not allow the child to do like skipping school or eating sweets.
Children that have low self esteem are very much prone to this type of systematic cajoling.
Parents should therefore try to bring up their children in a loving environment while making sure that their child grows up with a good self esteem.

Of course this by no means covers this topic, and I for one would welcome more tips and comments that can help to protect our children from this menace of Child Abuse.

Fatou

Child Abuse

For those who are not too clear about the meaning of this topic, child abuse means any thing done to a child, physically, sexually, or mentally that could cause emotional or psychological damage to that child, temporarily or permanently. 

This could be in the form of beatings, rape, sexual assault, child trafficking, forced child labor or other forms.

In years past, child abuse was a real menace in many homes. This was because many families that needed extra help around the house got housemaids. Unfortunately, most times, these maids were seen more like slaves than helps and treated as such.

But in recent years, child abuse has received a lot of attention from the media, societal organisations, non governmental organisations and even the government. This has made many countries to ban child abuse in any form.

Unfortunately, despite laws in place, you still find people that abuse children on a daily basis even in their homes.

There is this neighbour of mine who has a girl of about twelve years old living with her as a house help.

This girl is constantly beaten by the woman who is supposed to be her guardian.

I have tried to ignore these beatings but I found that I could not. Sometimes the girl's cries as she is being beaten is heard throughout the day. I have taken to including the girl in my prayers. I just hope the woman does not kill her one of these days.

My husband said he would confront her, but I have a dilemma:

First, is the fact that not only is this woman our neighbor, but she has become a good friend of the family. Won't telling her about her actions mar the relationship between us?

Secondly, and more importantly, if we tell her, won't we worsen things for the girl? After all, it is the girl and not we that are living with the woman.

There are many ways to deal with a child that can cause even more emotional and psychological damage than beating. She could even accuse the girl of  having reported to us or something. And of course, make life more miserable for her.

My husband is still planning to confront her and I have no choice but to agree with him since I don't know what else we can do. But still...

Any suggestions would be welcome.

Fatou.

I'm back!

Hi everybody. After over a year of not hearing from me, I'm sure you must be wondering what happened.

There were some technical issues with the off line magazine that I used to write children articles for which needed to be sorted out.

But I'm glad to say that it has all been sorted out and now I'm back.

Today, we're going to be talking about 'Humiliating Children'.

I got the title for this week's blog from a scene I personally witnessed in my sons' high school.

I had gone for the end of term report of my two sons and while I sat in front of the class teacher of my younger son, discussing his result, we suddenly noticed a woman a few tables from ours scolding  her daughter.

Apparently, the daughter hadn't done well in this term's report and the mother wasn't too pleased especially as the class teacher told her that the girl had suddenly acquired new friends in another class and these group of  friends had influenced her negatively.

Of course, no parent is pleased to hear this type of news. But what really set me off was when the woman suddenly started beating her daughter of thirteen years in the public glare of the principal, vice principal, all the teachers, and the students.

I watched as she continued beating her daughter, screaming at her at the top of her voice, berating her for not facing what she was sent to school for which of course was to get good grades, and generally disgracing not only her daughter but herself as well.

At the end, she told her to go to the top of the podium in front of the hall and kneel down there till she came to meet her to decide what next to do to her.

The first feeling I had was shame. I was ashamed of a parent that felt that this was the only way to handle failure in her child. And then I felt anger. Anger for the way the woman had treated her daughter or better still bullied her daughter.

No one, as far as I'm concerned should ever be humiliated this way. No one! Especially not a child.

Unfortunately, many parents don't know how to handle their children when they're not living up to their expectations. Rather, they make things worse.

In my next blog, I'll tell you why you should never humiliate your kids and how to replace humiliation with the right tools that will yield positive results in your children.

fatou.

Parenting and Children is Going Interactive

No two people on earth are ever the same. It is therefore no surprise that every child is different. Even children that are born to the same parents are different. For example, one child might be an extrovert while the other child is a complete introvert.

Our survey shows that parents have different issues they need answers to concerning their children. And one parent’s issues at any point in time may not necessarily be another’s.

This is why Parenting and Children has decided to go interactive. By this, parents will be allowed to write, or call in to ask any questions or express any concerns they have about their children’s well being.

Whether your concerns for your child/ren are medical, psychological, behavioural or social in nature, we encourage parents to get across to the Parenting and Children column for solutions and answers to these problems. We on our part promise to always try to give you the best answer possible to the best of our ability.

Below are replies to questions posed by two parents last week:

“I’m on exclusive breastfeeding. I’m surprised that just after 4 months I got pregnant again. I was told that exclusive breastfeeding of a baby is a contraceptive on its own and the mother will not get pregnant. It actually worked for my sister who has two children. Why didn’t it work for me? (Yetunde, Lagos)

This is an issue which many mothers need to know about. First time mothers are especially prone to this mistake. It is true that exclusive breastfeeding is a kind of contraceptive for a nursing mother, but as in most things that has to do with the body, it depends on the type of body.

There are some women who are very fertile and such women might have to use some other form of family planning in other not to get pregnant. Even when a woman is just normally fertile, she can still be at risk of getting pregnant during exclusive breastfeeding.

There are nursing mothers who have been reported to get pregnant again as early as two months after the birth of a baby. My advise therefore is that any woman that is nursing a baby whether exclusive or not should get herself on family planning as soon as possible after birth to avoid any unforeseen circumstances. “

Dear columnist, I need advise on an issue. One of my children seems not to have interest in his studies. He hates reading, has a short attention span and can’t concentrate on reading or writing for long. His grades are always low and his position in class is average to low.

What makes it worse is that his sister is the exact opposite. She has very excellent grades in school and has always come out tops in her class. She is one of the stars in the school. This issue bothers me because my son is the first child. What can I do since he’ll be enrolling for WAEC and JAMB next year and I don’t want him to fail. (Mrs Igwe, Lagos)

I sympathise with you Mrs Igwe and understand your concerns for your child. Even though you did not tell me the age of the boy, I can guess he should be in his teens (probably between 15 – 17 years) since you said he’ll be writing WAEC next year.

At this age if you have not noticed any specific talents in him, you would have noticed that there are some things he particularly likes. For example is he very good with computer or music, or does he like to repair things in the house or do some engineering things?

Perhaps if you could make him see how his grades can help him to pursue his dream, then you may get better results from him. For example if he likes to repair electrical things in the house. Make him understand that for him to learn how to do this better he has to get into the university or polytechnic. And for him to achieve this, he needs to put more effort into his math and physics. Because without passing those two subjects and at least 3 others he will not be admitted.

However, I would like to implore you not to abuse, insult or underrate him. And above all never compare him to his sister. This is because, it has been proven over and over again, not only in Nigeria but all over the world that it is not always high grades in school that makes a child succeed as an adult. Just look at Bill Gates.

Your child may not have high grades but may be talented in other ways. Your job as a parent is to look for those talents, and encourage your child to harness it in other to locate his glorious destiny. Good Luck!

Please make comments or ask your questions below or call 08052037371.  Happy parenting.

My Family Planning Ordeal

Hi,
It's been quite a while I wrote in this blog. For those of you who follow my blog, I am truly sorry.  I had a good reason though.

I went to my family planning clinic early December, 2011 to make a complaint about the IUD  they had inserted a year before.

For those of you who don't know what an IUD is, it is an acronym for Inserted Uterine Device.

The Inserted Uterine Device is a family planning method whereby a copper device is inserted into a woman to prevent her from getting pregnant. This method is said to have a 99% success rate.

I hadn't had any problems with it before. But for the past two months, I noticed that my menstrual flow had gotten heavier than usual.

I decided to go back to my family planning clinic to know whether it might be the IUD I had inserted that was causing it. If so, I wanted it removed.

But I was surprised to hear the nurse say she couldn't remove it. In fact she said that she couldn't even see it, which probably meant that it must have shifted from where it was supposed to be and moved farther into the uterus, (which also probably accounted for the heavy menstrual bleeding).

This singular statement resulted into a lot of activities throughout the month of December which led to my going from one hospital to another and from laboratory to laboratory looking for a solution to my problem. If not for God's divine intervention, I wouldn't have spent Christmas and New Year with my family. I would have been in hospital undergoing a major operation.

This story is a true testimony to the power of God and an eye opener for many like me who have little information about the pros and cons of family planning.

I now know that despite what they tell you at the clinic, family planning could actually cause a tragedy if you are not well informed.

I have written a free article concerning my ordeal. If you would like to read all about it, just send a text message with your name and email address to 234-0805-2037371.

In less than 24 hours, you will receive the article. If you are a woman reading this, send your text to me now! This article is especially for you.

I'm happy to say that I am hale and hearty now, but at what cost? All the same, I thank God. It was a real miracle.

I'll be back soon, but before then, I'll be expecting your text message.

Fati.

Battling with my son's obesity.

I checked my nine year old son's weight recently on a scale and it read 58.

Put in mind that when I was pregnant for my first son, my weight throughout the pregnancy did not exceed 65. Before pregnancy, I weighed 58.  And here is my son weighing 58 at nine years old.

Soon, my husband and I discovered that he was breathing heavily even when doing a simple activity like eating or walking within the house.

We went to a doctor who told us to make him do exercises.

But we felt that making him do exercises alone would be like a punishment for the boy. So we decided to involve the whole family. Now the whole family gets up early even on school days to do some exercises (mostly jogging) for about thirty minutes. After this we ask him to take deep breaths and exhale (about 30 times).

We only started the exercises a week ago, but already, we’ve seen remarkable progress. For one, the heavy breathing has stopped.  Also he doesn’t look as flabby as he used to.

I’m hoping we can continue with the exercises and all.

One thing we do to make all this interesting to him is that we try to vary our exercise routines. Some days we do jogging and later, skipping on a rope. Some days we watch and follow the aerobics exercises that I bought on a cd. Last Saturday we walked.

Also, instead of full cream milk, I give him skimmed milk or milk low on fat and in any other way I can cut out sugar , milk and other fattening agents , I try to do so.

However, I still allow him to take ice-cream, chocolates, sweets, etc  on occasion so that he doesn’t feel as if he’s being starved of them.

These are just a few of the methods I’ve applied.

If you have any other good methods that can be used to help obese children please I’d like to hear them. It will help my son and I’m sure it will help so many other children in the same situation.

Thanks,

Demi F.O